Cecil B. Delusioned/Script
the fountain, a reporter is doing a piece on the Galleria Mall. Reporter: "This magnificent mall offers something for everyone! From high fashion to the latest electronics and even an amusement park!" Wyatt, and Jonesy stand around watching. Jonesy is carrying some electrical cords. Wyatt: to Jonesy "How did you get a job assisting WVIEW TV?" Jonesy: "Hard work, talent, and good looks." laughs a little too loud, and the reporter looks at him angrily. Wyatt: quiet "Oops." to Jonesy "No, seriously, how'd you get it?" Jen: whispering "His uncle works at the station." Wyatt: whispering "Ah. Now that makes sense." Reporter: "Thank you for joining me this week on Mall TV." Cameraman: "And...clear." soon as the cameraman says it, the reporter's shoulders slump and the smile drops from her face. Jonesy: "You nailed that." Reporter: sour "Yeah, get me a coffee, wouldya?" Jonesy: "Yes ma'am." Reporter: "With soy milk. No dairy, it makes me bloated." Jonesy: "Right." Reporter: the cameraman "Let's get out of here. Meet me in the truck." Cameraman: "We still need to take some V-shots of the mall." Reporter: "Ugh! Do you have any idea how uncomfortable four-inch heels are?" Cameraman: "Well, actually–" Jonesy: "I could take some shots of the mall for you." Cameraman: "Ever used a camera?" Jonesy: "Sure, tons of times! I'm a filmmaker!" Reporter: "What films have you made?" Jonesy: "Uh, documentaries, mostly. They're totally acclaimed." Reporter: wanting to leave "Give him the camera." reporter storms off angrily. The cameraman quietly hands Jonesy the camera and goes after her. Jonesy: "Hello new career. Hmm...now how do you use this thing?" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Cecil B. Delusioned' ---- ''camera is rolling. The image coming through is fuzzy snow. Slowly, it adapts to a shot of the Big Squeeze, by which Nikki, Wyatt, and Jen are sitting. Inside the lemon, Caitlin is working. Jonesy: the camera "And dolly in to see everybody bored to death without Jonesy!" pretends to squish Jen's head with his thumb and finger. "Heh heh heh." Wyatt: "Are you sure you should be playing with that thing?" Jonesy: "I know what I'm doing." moves the camera to Nikki. Nikki: "Uh, you're not filming us, are you?" Jonesy: "They told me to get some shots of the mall, but I've got bigger plans." moves the shot to her chest. Nikki: "Oh, no. Is this the one where you have some kind of get rich quick scam? I've already seen it." Jonesy: "Laugh now, but I could be the next big director. And I'll make all of you stars in my show!" Nikki: "Thanks, I'll pass." Jen: "Why? You'd be great on camera." Caitlin: "Oh! I could give you a makeover!" Nikki: "Listen carefully. I will never willingly submit to a makeover. Ever." Jonesy "Film her. She's the group ingenue." Caitlin: "This is so exciting! I'm gonna need a new outfit. Be back in a bit." takes off. Jonesy puts the camera down. Wyatt: "Isn't she supposed to be working?" Jonesy: "I give you a shot at fame and fortune, and all you can think about is work?!? I'm gonna find Jude." ---- Stick It, Jude is cooking. Jonesy films him. Jonesy: "Explain what you're doing to the camera." Jude: "What we'll be preparing today are stick-its. The main ingredient in the dish is the stick. Make sure they're really pointy at one end. After you stick them into some kind of meat, you put them on the grill." does so. "Then you have to keep an eye on them so they don't overcook." watches. "Sweet." camera's eye shifts back and forth between Jude and the slowly-cooking meat. Jonesy: whispering "Wrap it up dude, we're burning film here." Jude: "Okay, let's kick it up a notch." turns up the heat, and a fire explodes. "Whoa! Fire, dude! Fire!" Jonesy: up "Whoa! Whoa! Quick, move to the side, you're wrecking the shot!" Jude: around panicked "Fire! Dude! Dude, the fire is spreading!" Jonesy: happy "I know, this is great TV!" grabs the fire extinguisher and puts the fire out. "And cut! That was awesome!" wafts up from the charred, ruined grill. Jude: "What do I do now? It'll be at least a week before they can fix this." Jonesy: "I've got it. Close the Stick It and be my on-air color commentator." Jude: "Duuuudddee!" the camera "Welcome to Judevision! Buckle your seatbelts, 'cause it's going to be an aw–" runs into the camera lens. "Ouch." Jonesy: "Right. Go get me a latte, no foam it makes me bloated, and meet me back at the lemon." Jude: "Are you gonna film me getting it?" Jonesy: "No." lowers the camera and leaves. ---- and Jen are at the table. Caitlin is wearing a long red dress. Caitlin: "What do you think?" Jonesy: "Too much material. I want to see you, not the dress?" sighs and goes off to pick another outfit. Wyatt walks up. Wyatt: "How many more days of high school do we have left?" Jen: "A lot. What's wrong?" Wyatt: "I'm failing a course." Jonesy: "Big whoop, I'm failing two." Jen: "What course are you failing?" Wyatt: "Never mind. It's too embarrassing." Jen: "Come on, we won't laugh." Jonesy: "Yeah. Much. C'mon, cough it up." Wyatt: "No." reaches for his transcript. "I said no!" Jen: "Let us see, it's no big deal." Jonesy: "Yeah you big wuss, lemme see!" Wyatt: "No way!" grabs the paper from him. "Hey!" Jonesy: "Okay. Bio, A. Literature, A. Nice A on the Calculus, dude." gasping "No way. Physical Education: F? You're failing gym class?" laughs. Jen takes the paper. Jen: "Wow. I didn't think you could fail gym." Wyatt: "I know, it's humiliating!" Jonesy: "You suit up, you kick a few balls, and you keep your eyes to yourself. How hard is that? Hold on, time out." Caitlin: "What do you think?" changed to a dark blue business suit. Jonesy: "What is this? This is all wrong. Too boring and serious." Caitlin: "I thought it looked professional." Jonesy: "Boring and serious. Try again." leaves for another costume. Jude arrives, Jonesy's coffee in hand. Jude: "How come I don't want a coffee, but I have to get one for you?" Jonesy: "It's called paying your dues, bro." Jude: "I thought we were supposed to be thinking up new ideas for shows." Jonesy: "We are and I have. What do people love more than anything else?" Jude: "S'mores?" Jen: "Hockey?" Jonesy: "Reality cop shows." Jude: "Dude, good one!" Jonesy: "C'mon. We've got footage to capture." Jude an extension cord and a tote bag "Carry this and hand me a fresh tape." Jude: they walk away "You forgot your coffee." Jonesy: "I didn't really want it, I just wanted you to get it for me." Jude: "Oh." Jen: "I've got an idea. C'mon." pulls Wyatt away from the table. ---- is filming Jude as they walk through the mall. Jude: "What you're about to see is actual footage of rent-a-cops on patrol!" is riding in Ron's cart. Ron stops and marches up to Wonder Taco. Ron: "Alright, miss! What's the problem here?" Julie: "Nothing." Ron: "Nothing, eh? That's your story?" Julie: "Yes. Here's your free taco, sir." takes it. Ron: "I pay for this with my sweat!" Julie: "Napkin?" Ron: "Napkins are for pansies." takes a bite, spilling sauce on his uniform. Jude: "Yuck." ---- and Wyatt are at the Penalty Box. Jen: "Tennis is easy. It's all about hand-eye coordination." Wyatt: "Did I mention I have none of that?" Jen: "Don't worry! We'll start with something simple. Just take the ball and gently tap it over to me." Wyatt: Jen gets into position "Okay, I'll give it a try." bounces the ball off the ground and smacks it with the racket. It bounces off something. Jen: "Ow!" Wyatt: "Sorry." ---- cart now carries Jude as well as the cameraman. Ron: "Looks quiet enough, doesn't it." Jude: "Yes officer, it appears quiet." Ron: "But lurking beneath this thin veneer of civility, is a depraved army of violators waiting to be unleashed." moves the camera to focus on an old man, who absentmindedly tosses a wrapper into the trash. It misses. Ron: "Boys. We've got a seven nineteen in progress." Jude: "This is it! We're going in! We're now in pursuit of some seven nineteen guy!" Ron: "Stop, you scumbag!" old man ignores him, thinking that the call must be to someone else. Ron leaps out of the vehicle and runs towards the senior citizen. He turns and is tackled by Ron. Ron: "You think you can take this mall and turn it into your own private garbage dump? Not on my watch, soldier!" Jude: "He's reaching for his medication!" Ron: "Get down!" ---- after, Ron has defused the situation and is ready to take the man to jail. He grabs the tape from Jonesy. Ron: "This is now official evidence." Jonesy: "You can't do that!" Ron: "I'm the law around here, son. Step away from the cart." gets in and drives off. Jonesy watches him unhappily. Jonesy: "Great. Now we have to start from scratch." Jude: "Chill dude, we'll think of something." ---- Jude, Wyatt, and Nikki are around the table. Jude rests his head on the table. Jude: "I can't think of anything, bro." Wyatt: "What did I tell you about tennis? Didn't I say 'Jen, I can't play tennis'?" has a black eye. Jen: "Just go find me some ice." Wyatt: "Fine." leaves to get her some ice. Caitlin arrives in a pink dress. Jonesy: whistling "Now that's what I'm talking about." Caitlin: "You don't think it's too skimpy?" Jonesy: "Watch your mouth. There's no such thing as too skimpy." Caitlin: "Okay. When do we start filming?" Jonesy: "Soon as we think of a show." comes back. Jen: "How about a show about people who stink at tennis?" Wyatt: "I said I was sorry!" Jonesy: "No, you gotta have drama. People getting attacked by an animal, or anything involving power lines." Jude: "Yeah, or tricking people and filming them? That's funny." Jonesy: inspired "Jude, that's it, you're a genius!" Jude: "I am." Jonesy: "Yeah! Prank TV, starring Caitlin and Jude! It'll be a huge hit!" Caitlin: "Oh, I'm so in!" Jude: "Who're we gonna prank first?" Jonesy: "Nikki." ---- is replaying one of the tapes. Taped Caitlin: "I could give you a makeover!" Taped Nikki: "Listen carefully. I will never willingly submit to a makeover. Ever." stops the tape. Jonesy: Caitlin "You're gonna go on a girly-girl date and give her a makeover." Caitlin: clapping "Cool!" stops. "Wait. She'll never let me do that." Jonesy: "She will if you trick her." Caitlin: "But if she finds out she'll kill me! Won't she?" Jonesy: "Let me tell you a little secret. Inside Nikki, there is the heart of a girly-girl. And that girly-girl is just dying to get out. Nikki will thank you." Caitlin: "Okay. I'll do it." Jen: "Well count me out. Those shows are so evil." Jonesy: "Okay, but if she talks to you, just play along, or you'll ruin the whole gag." Jen: "Okay, okay." Jonesy: the air "Oh, I smell an award!" Jude: "Dude." Jonesy: "Jude." bump fists. Jen: "Oh, brother." ---- is outside of the Khaki Barn. Jonesy: "And...action!" Jude: "Hey, dudes and dudettes, welcome to Prank TV. Our victim is Nikki Wong. Our accomplice? Her friend Caitlin. Caitlin is going to trick Nikki into a day of bikini waxes and dress shopping. And Prank TV will be here to capture it all. Okay, we're going in!" two sneak into the store. "Our camera is ready, and here comes our accomplice! It's boogie time." camera follows Caitlin. Caitlin's mascara is running and she looks sad. She hugs Nikki from behind. Nikki: "Caitlin! What's the matter?" Caitlin: and hard-to-understand "Morga number o–guy that I liked?" Nikki: "Uh, what?" Caitlin: "He broke up with me!!!" collapses in Nikki's arms, sobbing. Nikki: "Okay, w-well I thought you only went on one date." Caitlin: unseen by Nikki, crying "Y-y-yeah. I really liked him!" smiles before resuming the tears. Nikki: "I know, I know. It's okay." Caitlin: "Ynnn! I thought I was falling in love with him!!!" Nikki: "What are you staring at?" is talking to Kirsten. Kirsten: "Um..." walks in the other direction. Nikki: Caitlin into a clothing stall "Come on." shuts the door. "Just take your time. No one's gonna bug us in here." and Jude enter the stall next door. "Is there anything I can do?" Caitlin: her eyes "Well...there might be one thing, but you wouldn't want to do it." Nikki: "Try me." Caitlin: "Well, I could really use a distraction, you know." Nikki "I really don't want to be alone right now." Nikki: "I could get the afternoon off." Caitlin: up "Then you'll spend the day with me and let me do a makeover on you? Ooh, that would be so fun!" Nikki: "Whoa there. Do I look like a spa person to you?" Caitlin: "Please?" the next stall, Jonesy is standing on Jude's back so he can angle the camera at Caitlin and Nikki. Jonesy: "This is it! She's gonna do it!" Jude: straining "Tell her...to hurry!" Jonesy: "Give me a bit more height!" strains to raise his friend up a few inches. Nikki: "There's absolutely no other way to get your mind off this guy?" Caitlin: "Not that I can think of." Nikki: in "Okay." Caitlin: her "Yay!" go "You're gonna love this." Nikki: "I seriously doubt that." and Caitlin exit the changing room. Jonesy: "She did it! Hi-five me." struggles to raise his arm for the hi-five while still balancing Jonesy on his back. His back gives out. Jonesy: "You left me hanging with the hi-five, bro. Not cool." ---- the Penalty Box, several types of sports equipment are strewn about the place. Jen: "Wow. You really do suck at sports." Wyatt: "I told you. The only things I liked to do as a kid were play guitar and video games. Thanks anyway." Jen: "Wait. Which video games?" Wyatt: "I was great at Invasion From Mars." Jen: "The one where you block all those Martian bombs from hitting Earth?" Wyatt: "Yep. I had the highest score in fifth grade." Jen: "Wyatt, that's it! It wasn't about the sport, it was about the position!" Wyatt: "You want me to play hockey? I told you, I can't skate fast! Or stop!" Jen: "You don't have to to be goalie. You just have to have quick reflexes!" tosses Wyatt the helmet, and Wyatt deftly catches it. "Suit up! We've got training to do." ---- leads Nikki to the spa. Caitlin: "Come on, let's go!" just outside "Prepare to be pampered." Nikki: "I'm not the right person for this." Caitlin: "Of course you are! There's a girl inside of you just dying to come out!" Nikki: "Okay, fine." Caitlin: "C'mon!" leads Nikki inside. ---- is reading a magazine inside Stereo Shack. Jonesy clears his throat, and Darth looks up. Jonesy: "Darth. Do you have a lens that would be good for, say, spying on people?" Darth: "Sure. I've got a few of them." chuckles. "Oh. You mean for sale here in the shop?" Jonesy: "Uh...yeah." Darth: out a cordlike camera "Let's see. This is great for peering around corners and sneaking up on people without being noticed." himself "According to the brochure." laughs nervously. Jonesy: it "This'll do just fine." Jude: happy "Snap!" ---- is in a pedicure chair. Nikki looks at one. Nikki: "So what do we do in here?" Caitlin: "We relax, and they work on our feet." Beauty Consultant: "Good afternoon, girls." claps sharply. "Shoes off." Nikki: "Hmm?" Beauty Consultant: Nikki into a chair "We're going to need to see your toes if we're going to paint them." beauty consultant goes off to get her supplies. The wire camera peers around a corner. The consultant comes back and gasps at the sight of Nikki's long-uncut toenails. Beauty Consultant: "Let me fetch the nail clippers. I might have something big enough in the maintenance closet." Caitlin: "Isn't this fun?" ---- a while, the consultant has gone to work on Nikki's toes and moved on to her hair. Beauty Consultant: "You will look incredible when this is finished." Nikki: to herself "Incredibly hideous." Jude: "This is gonna be so decent." Jonesy: "Keep sliding it out! We've gotta get footage of Nikki!" Beauty Consultant: "Okay, your turn, gorgeous." notices the camera. "Snake! Snake! Snake!" consultant beats on the camera with a tool, mashing it against Nikki's hair dryer. Jonesy: "Retract the device! Retract!" camera is retracted, coming back completely broken. Jonesy: "Plan B." ---- Nikki: pained "If you do that–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" Beauty Consultant: "I have never heard language like that from a client!" Nikki: "Well you'll hear plenty more if you touch me again!" has gotten a wax. Beauty Consultant: "I'll bring you your clothes." trots off. and Jude are filming, hidden behind a cabinet. Jude: whispering "Dude, that was the scariest thing I ever saw. Did you get it all?" Jonesy: whispering "Every second." Beauty Consultant: back "Here you go. Follow me." cabinet tries to follow but bumps into the hot wax. It spills onto Jonesy arm. Jonesy: up "Eugh! Aw, gross!" ---- is at a Albatross & Finch with Nikki. Nikki is trying on jeans. Caitlin: "Hmm...which one do you like better?" Nikki: "Gee, I don't know. They both suck equally to me." whistles shortly to Caitlin. Caitlin looks over and spots him behind a rack of jackets. Jonesy points to some bikinis, and Caitlin indicates she got the message. She goes over to the bikini rack and gets a pink one from Jonesy. Caitlin: "Your makeover's almost over. But we need one more thing. Bikinis!" Nikki: "Uh, no." Caitlin: "This would look so hot on you." gasping "Ooh try it on try it on try it on!" Nikki: "Does your girly day really have to be this girly?" Caitlin: and whimpering "No. It doesn't have to be." Nikki: "Fine. Let's get this over with." grabs the swimsuit and heads to the changing rooms. Caitlin flashes a thumbs-up to Jonesy. Jonesy: "Yes! She's so awesome. C'mon, we've gotta get this." ---- and Jude creep through the vents of the Albatross & Finch. Jude: "I thought we were filming Nikki." Jonesy: "Just keep crawling." ---- the changing room, Nikki is on the phone. Nikki: "Jen, you have to save me." Caitlin: outside "Let me know if you need a new size!" Nikki: "Uuh! I don't know how much longer I can do this without killing her! We're bikini shopping!" Jen: pucks inside the Penalty Box "You can't leave her–" shoot "–now. Caitlin told me about–" shoot "–that guy." shoot "She's in a very–uh–fragile state." is blocking every shot. "See? You rock at being a goalie!" Nikki: "I don't think you understand the sacrifice I'm making here!" Jen: "She'd do the same for you and you know it. So just suck it up and let her finish making you over." hang up. "Okay. This prank stuff has gone too far. You've got to go rescue her." Wyatt: "Sure. So how'd I do?" Jen: "Are you kidding? You stopped every single puck from going in!" Wyatt: "Is that good?" Jen: "Yes! Now get that gear off and go help Nikki." Wyatt: "Yes!" ---- knocks on the changing room door. Caitlin: "Have you got it on yet?" moans and opens the door. "Come on, girl, strut your stuff!" walks out limply and stands there. "Well? What do you think?" Jill: "Excuse me. You're blinding everyone in the store with your whiteness." Nikki: angry "Rrr! That's it!" reenters the changing room, and Caitlin sighs. ---- and Jude are still moving along the vents. Jonesy: "C'mon, I think I heard something this way." lets out a long, long fart into Jude's face. Jude: "Aw, dude, did you have a chili bowl for lunch?" Jonesy: "Nope. Chili fries." moves along, flatulent all the way. Jude: "Aw, dude!" Jonesy: "No one said being famous was easy." ---- is trying desperately to find a way out of her bikini. Caitlin: "Everything okay in there?" Nikki: "No. I'm stuck." enters and sees Nikki pulling at the suit. Caitlin: "Stop! It's lycra. The harder you fight it, the tighter it gets!" takes a few seconds to observe this before resuming pulling at it. In the vents, Jonesy and Jude come to the one over the change rooms. Nikki: "It's cutting off my circulation!" Jonesy: "This is it! I see Nikki! Hubba hubba." and Jill are now struggling to get the suit off. Caitlin: "Right, don't panic...keep breathing..." Jill: "How did you ever get such a small size on?" Nikki: "Do you want to die in a change room? This is never gonna work. We need scissors." Jill: "I'll get them." walks into the exit door. "Oh, it's stuck! Hello! Help!" Wyatt: the door, whispering "Nikki? Are you in there?" Nikki: "Wyatt? What are you doing here?" Wyatt: whispering "Jen said you might need some rescuing!" Nikki: "Uh, understatement of the year! The door is stuck, can you get it open?" Wyatt: "I'll try." pulls at the door. "Nope. Definitely stuck." the vents, Jonesy removes the vent cover of the dressing room vent for a better view. Jonesy: "I need you to hold me." Jude: "Dude, a duct is the last place I feel like getting romantic." Jonesy: "Hold me while I lean down to get the shot, fartknocker." Jude: "You should talk! Fartknocker!" Wyatt is still pulling on the door. Wyatt: "Maybe if I get some leverage..." leans down, his upper body now poking out of the ceiling vent. Jonesy: "That's good. A little lower." Jude: "This is so not worth dying for, dude." Caitlin: "If you'd hold still, I could get your top off!" Jude: "Okay, so maybe it is worth it." chuckles. "Dude, I don't have a very good grip." and Jude start sliding forward. Jill: "I'll get the bikini. You pull on her." Caitlin: "Okay. One, two, three, pull!" they pull, the ceiling above them begins to crack. It collapses, and Jude and Jonesy fall onto the girls. Wyatt manages to open the door at this moment. Wyatt: "Wha?" door slams shut behind him. Caitlin: "Jude?" Nikki: "Jonesy?" Jonesy: "Nice bikini." gets up and covers herself before realizing something. Nikki: "Wait a minute. Were you in the ceiling filming us?" Caitlin: "Jonesy! You never said you were gonna do that!" Nikki: "Hold on. You knew about this?" Caitlin: "Ooh...ahem. Well...a teensy bit." Nikki: "And your little fantasy boy Joe?" Jude: "She made him up." Nikki: "I don't believe this!" Caitlin: "Jonesy made me do it!" Jill: "Um, if you can't get that off, you're going to have to buy it." Nikki: "AAAAAHHH!!! Everybody out out out!" Jonesy: "Okay I think that's a wrap everybody!" five hustle out. Nikki stands at the doorway and hurls clotheshangers and abuse at her "friends". Nikki: "Pedicure. Leg wax. Bikinis. Shiatzu. Mud bath. Seaweed wrap." continues to list everything she went through as she flings hangers at her friends. They hide behind a table. Caitlin: "When exactly do you think Nikki will be thanking me for this?" hanger hits Jonesy. Jonesy: "Ow! This is the thanks I get for trying to make her a star." ---- but Jonesy is around the table. Caitlin is giving Nikki a shoulder massage. Caitlin: "Can I at least buy you a smoothie?" Nikki: "Oh, it's gonna take more than that to make up for what you put me through." Caitlin: "You're right. You know, I don't really think you need a makeover." Nikki: "Really." Caitlin: "Oh no! You look totally hot the way you are." arrives, a look of sadness on his face. Jonesy: "Hey guys." Nikki: "Oh, look who's here. Come near me with that camera again, and I'll shove it somewhere painful." Jonesy: "Relax, they took it away from us." Caitlin: "Fired again, huh?" Jonesy: "If you consider getting caught in the girls' change room and busting the camera 'just cause', then yeah." Jen: "Hey guys, good news. I have a goalie for your Sunday night hockey league." Jonesy: "Who, Jude?" Jen: "No." Jonesy: "You." Jen: "No." Jonesy: "Nikki?" Jen: "Uh-uh." Jonesy: "Caitlin?" Jen: "No. Wyatt!" Jonesy: "Dude! You actually found something you're good at." Wyatt: "It's amazing, I know. Hey, what's that stuff all over your arm?" Jonesy: "I dunno, some slimy stuff I spilled all over myself at the spa." Caitlin: "Was it warm when you spilt it?" Jonesy: "Yeah." Caitlin: "I know how to get that off. But we can't do it here." Jonesy: "Cool, let's go. I think there are someone else's hairs in it." Caitlin: "Eww!" Nikki: "Uch." Caitlin: Nikki "You in on this?" Nikki: "Oh yeah." ---- is at the spa. Jonesy: "So you can get this stuff off or not?" Beauty Consultant: "There is only one way. Don't worry. It's quick. Just relax." presses a wet towel to it. Jonesy: "Cool." Rip. Jonesy: "YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nikki: the spa "Welcome to girlydom, Jonesy." Category:Season 1